My day was pretty toxic…and there even times when I felt like I was thrown under the bus. Good thing Ryan’s not in Vietnam yet. Earlier this evening, he dropped by (not just for me, though. he just dropped by) and brought Christmas candy goodies and that light he always had with him when he’s in a good mood. Made me feel much better.

This morning, I woke up with the same overcast mood that mostly has to do with Ryan leaving the office in such short notice. Instinctively, I reached for my phone, and wrote a Facebook status via mobile web: “Ganun ba talaga ‘yun? Pag masyado kang nage-enjoy, kukunin na lang sayo yun sayo ni God. Ito talaga si God may pagka-kill-joy minsan. Good morning, Gloomy Sunday.”

It was an honest expression of what I really feel. Nothing good, fun and enjoyable lasts forever.  As if they have a three-to-four-month expiry date. I’ve only been working in my new office (with Ryan) for more than three months, yet it feels like we’ve all known each other for eternity. There was an instant brotherly connection right from the start. From Day One. Among my co-workers, it was with Ryan that I immediately clicked: the sick humor, the taste in music and clothes, the craziness, the quirks, the tendency to be utterly depressed once in a while (he’s bipolar, and I’m, well, extremely moody). We were the two biggest androgynous weirdos in the office. And we didn’t care: we were having fun, and we felt like we were rockstars. As what Ria said, KINDRED SOULS.

Ryan was my happy pill. I got through my recent depression mostly because of him. Honestly, I’ve sort of been emotionally dependent on him. Every time he comes in really late, I would immediately pester Lucci (his bestfriend and our boss) to ask her where he is. Every time he goes on out-of-town assignments, I (secretly) go on some sort of a withdrawal symptom. Now he’s gonna be permanently out of the office. Imagine how painful that would be for me.

Of course, I’ve never been up front about my feelings (BROTHERLY) towards him. That would be icky for both of us, (so thank God he doesn’t know about this blog) because our relationship is kinda like that of two grown boys: if one of us started to express the teeniest tiniest bit of “girly” emotion towards another, the other one’s gonna squirm and say “That’s so f*cking gay, man.” In fact, when he broke the news to us last Friday night, I successfully controlled myself from crying like a baby (because that was what I felt right then and there). I just went on with my usual litany of curses: “You son of a bitch! F*ck you, man. F*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you!” I think that was enough to conceal how that announcement rocked my entire being. Then I spent that night getting drunk with Candy. Then I spent that next morning crying for hours. Then I spent this morning listening to our favorite songs, and crying for another few hours.

“That’s the thing about Ryan,” Lucci told me. “He has that effect on people. He can make anyone love him.”

Too bad for me. And I hate goodbyes. I f*cking hate goodbyes.

“Don’t worry,” Lucci assured me. “He’s the ‘for keeps’ kind of guy. Even though you’ve spent only a few months with him, he’s gonna be your friend for a long time.”

So hopefully there’s future in this crazy friendship. As what he keeps saying “Isang oras lang naman ang pagitan, e.”

Farewell, kindred soul. I’m gonna spend my next few weeks (or months?) crying.

Rawr!

Despite the tiring event last week, Ryan, Cess and I got to try out the bouncy inflatable bed(?) we set up at Market! Market! It was a whole lotta fun! ^_^

]]> http://lilithlives.wordpress.com/2009/11/04/where-the-wild-things-are/feed/ 0 Lilith Rawr! http://lilithlives.wordpress.com/2009/11/04/602/ http://lilithlives.wordpress.com/2009/11/04/602/#comments Wed, 04 Nov 2009 06:14:28 +0000 Lilith http://lilithlives.wordpress.com/?p=602 ]]>

Someone gave an almost perfect description of me…

Her humor runs deep. It’s never shallow or superficial because it stems  from the sensitive observation of human behavior…In her darkest moods, she disappears into reproachful silence…Sometimes she can retaliate with such fierceness, but she’ll do it secretly. She’ll calculate her actions and the consequences with such precision…she has enormously expressive features, a thousand moods play fleetingly across her face in the course of a conversation…she has such control of imagery, and her moods are so intense she can make you feel them too…Her imagination seizes joy and despair, horror and compassion, sorrow and ecstacy, and holds each emotion fast with a retentive memory.

Addiction…makes you wanna kill yourself sometimes.

Oh, well…
If you guys know any rooms for rent near Makati or Boni, just lemme know. My baby sis and I had been goin around the city these past few days, but we can’t seem to find spaces that are nice, comfortable and cheap…or I can always hook up with a rich boyfriend. Naah. What the frak am I saying??

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The week was tiring…and there’s gonna be more of these in my new job. I’m scared…and excited.

In the previous week, though, I learned that I’m starting to love some of the people I work with (but not in a weird way…that would feel like incest). We have such great synergy, we share the same humor, energy, passion, even music. I may be older than most of them, but I guess that’s the perk of being a kid deep inside, I get to enjoy things people my age would be mortified/embarrassed doing. It’s these little things (these long hours of crazy talks, the sudden impulse to do random foolishness) that helped me get through the insanity of my personal life.

Someone may have recently told me:

try (to be more mature). you’re already 31.

Ok, sure, I need to act like the matured woman that I’m supposed to be. But if I have to choose between acting like your usual thirty-something (organized, cautious, serious…stiff…jaded) and acting like a kid (crazy, impulsive, hyper, moody, energetic), I’d rather be the latter. I’d rather be a kid who may or may not know what she’s doing, but unafraid to follow her instincts, to go after what she wants, to jump into the great unknown without even stopping to think.

And I’m thanking some of the people in the office who were able to revive my wide-eyed wonder, rekindle my inner passions, give me (further) drive to follow my dreams, and resurrect me from the grave I’ve been resting in for quite some time now.

Sure, I may have a Peter Pan (or Tinker Bell!) complex. And it’s baaad. But I love living in Never Land. This is where I really belong.

(Oh, and it does help that I look waaaay younger than my age. Strangers/people who I just met ALWAYS mistake me for a 24-26 year-old woman. Ain’t that neat? ^_^)

November will be the month of your rebirth, Lilith. You have until October 31, 2009, your personal deadline: after that you will no longer grieve, wallow in depression and self-pity, or be dejected. You will start going out, you will come out of your cave (like Lazarus…or Batman!), celebrate, rediscover yourself, meet new people, reconnect, enjoy your youth and beauty, and believe in your own power.

But today, you cry.

Here is something to brighten up my overcast Monday.

Oooooooh! ♥

By January, I’m gonna have my own (unattached) Johnny Depp. He’s gonna be my perfect match. He’s gonna be incapable of hurting me.  I’m POSITIVE. God is gonna be good to me this time…or rather: I AM gonna be good to me this time. ^_^ ♥

When will you ever learn, Lilith? This thing has done enough to your pride… and what you did earlier just gave him another opportunity to step on your ego. When will you listen to your ex-girlfriend: NEVER give people the benefit of the doubt…especially those with bad track records. Sometimes, situations are just as what they appear to be. No hidden explanations, no redeeming stories, nothing. Stop that notion that there’s good in everyone.

That was a low blow for you, low blow. How STUPID can you get?

Just stick to your goals, goddammit!