*Evil* Lilith re-emerges

Eons ago, I didn’t care much about morals, not to mention respect for other people’s emotion.

Intoxication. Riot. Rebellion.

Thank God I was able to head towards a better path.

Lately though, that monster from the past is starting to re-emerge…and it can be quite frightening.

Right now, that monster is coaxing me to choose a dark path. It’s a pretty exciting path, actually. But people will get hurt. So I’m gathering all my might just to ignore that temptation.

For now, I’m savoring bits of it. Tomorrow, it should be out of my mind. I hope so.

For now, Anne Sexton’s words will keep me company.

The Kiss

My mouth blooms like a cut.
I’ve been wronged all year, tedious
nights, nothing but rough elbows in them
and delicate boxes of Kleenex calling crybaby
crybaby , you fool!

Before today my body was useless.
Now it’s tearing at its square corners.
It’s tearing old Mary’s garments off, knot by knot
and see — Now it’s shot full of these electric bolts.
Zing! A resurrection!

Once it was a boat, quite wooden
and with no business, no salt water under it
and in need of some paint. It was no more
than a group of boards. But you hoisted her, rigged her.
She’s been elected.

My nerves are turned on. I hear them like
musical instruments. Where there was silence
the drums, the strings are incurably playing. You did this.
Pure genius at work. Darling, the composer has stepped
into fire.

Dear you…

(part 1)

This January, I intend to (permanently) leave this office. Although this is the only place we get to (sporadically) see each other (since you’ve done enough to emphasize that there will never be a “seeing-each-other” outside this building), I do swear that by that time, no emotions are left to make me miss you.

And I don’t intend to say goodbye. Not to you, and not to anyone else from this stinkingly corrupt premise. I plan to VANISH.

No formalities, NOTHING.

Trying to conquer myself

Strange as it may seem, but every day, as I push forward into becoming the “new me,” I find temptations that could pull me back, to reel me in, to relapse. Temptations in the form of a bad news, of self-disappointment, of discontent, of financial woes, of bitter endings, of nagging frustrations, of insecurities, of an ugly face staring back at me from the mirror.