The whole week, I’ve been dreading for this day to come. My birthday. I’ve never been a fan of birthdays. No…scratch that. I’ve never been a fan of MY birthday. This explains that inevitable depression a week or two before July 17.
You see, I have this terrible, terrible fear of being unloved (yes, I have that needy “oh-please-love-me” histrionic/borderline tendency at times). That fear grows every time my happy little birthday comes close, because in this slightly twisted, slightly insecure head of mine, that “unloved” part is emphasized when people important to you failed to greet you on your supposed special day.
What if so-and-so didn’t text me? What if blah-blah didn’t send me a card, even a virtual one? Does that mean I am insignificant despite what I feel for them?
That fear grew 20 times this week. It ate me up, so I spiraled down to yet another one of my bouts of depression. And, at the nadir of my birthday-related depression, I even prayed to God, to please, please, please, let me not reach the seventeenth of July.
But I woke up to such a surprise though.
My mobile phone’s inbox was filled with messages from well-wishers (mostly loooving friends!), and later that day I found out my Facebook wall and inbox were already flooding with more greetings from friends. But maybe it’s just automatic for them because of that Facebook birthday notification thingie, you start to tell me. I say NO. Majority of them actually wish me well. And that’s good enough for me. Later that day, I also received phone calls from those important to me.
I feel loved. I feel blessed. I feel fuzzy and, in some levels, impressed.
Then, of course, there’s that evil, evil inner voice raining on my happy-birthday parade, saying: Yes, the whole world greeted you, but how come (name of recent fixation) didn’t say a word, not a peep?
Yes, I did tryyy to ignore that voice…but I still can’t help but wonder, WHY? Dammit, (name here), why?
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There are two possible answers to this question: 1) He deliberately didn’t greet me out of spite, out of some sort of bitterness carried on from my “disappearance” from his life nearly 10 years ago; or worse, 2) He just doesn’t care about my existence to even write a basic “Happy Birthday” note on my Facebook wall. In which case, I should be screaming: FUCK-MY-LIFE! *heart breaks into tiny pieces*
But I have to regain my composure here…ahem…I am much too awesome for him. Yes, despite of his many goddam artistic/musical talents (goddammit!).
Nevertheless, I should be thankful for July 17, 2010. You see, it made me realize how I am loved and cared for.
It also made me see the potentials, the possibilities around me. Some of them just presented themselves to me on my birthday. Now, isn’t that neat? Kinikilig na kaya ako ngayon…kaya wala akong pakialam sayo (name here)!
Ria
/ July 19, 2010Whoever it was who didn’t greet you isn’t important. You ARE loved! *HUGS*
Lilith
/ July 31, 2010Thanks dear! Hindi nga sya importante…I realize that now.
Ngayon ko lang nabasa ‘tong comment mo, hehe.