November will be the month of your rebirth, Lilith. You have until October 31, 2009, your personal deadline: after that you will no longer grieve, wallow in depression and self-pity, or be dejected. You will start going out, you will come out of your cave (like Lazarus…or Batman!), celebrate, rediscover yourself, meet new people, reconnect, enjoy your youth and beauty, and believe in your own power.
But today, you cry.
Here is something to brighten up my overcast Monday.
Oooooooh! ♥
By January, I’m gonna have my own (unattached) Johnny Depp. He’s gonna be my perfect match. He’s gonna be incapable of hurting me. I’m POSITIVE. God is gonna be good to me this time…or rather: I AM gonna be good to me this time. ^_^ ♥
When will you ever learn, Lilith? This thing has done enough to your pride… and what you did earlier just gave him another opportunity to step on your ego. When will you listen to your ex-girlfriend: NEVER give people the benefit of the doubt…especially those with bad track records. Sometimes, situations are just as what they appear to be. No hidden explanations, no redeeming stories, nothing. Stop that notion that there’s good in everyone.
That was a low blow for you, low blow. How STUPID can you get?
Just stick to your goals, goddammit!
I think the reason why my life is usually a mess is because I never really set any plans, any goals, anything that I might wanna accomplish in the future. I always live for the moment. But I don’t think it’s that late, though. Now I’m writing down things that I plan to accomplish in the future. My goals…my dreams…all that crap normal, organized people have. Well, I wouldn’t call goals and dreams crap though…
I’m gonna give up smoking…and drinking…and drugging. I’m gonna live a healthier life. And not ’cause of some self-preservation new-age shit. I don’t care about my health. Fuck it. I’m always all about living my life, without thinking of the consequences. Live, love, drink, smoke, kiss, fuck. If I could fly, I’d do it. Fuck the consequences, fuck it, fuck it.
Earlier, I’ve had one of my rantings as my facebook status. Someone from high school started asking me about it and how I’ve been doing. I didn’t tell her EVERYTHING, though. She gave me words of encouragement, things that would make me feel better. I do feel better. This is the sweetest part of our conversation, though:
The angsty, high-school Lilith always thought that EVERYONE in class found her strange. She even thought everyone disliked her strangeness…and now it feels good knowing that not everyone thought of me that way. ^_^
…and the “personality” appearing before you now is the one pathetically in love. And hurting. And needing. And missing you. Oh, when will the mad one, the vindictive one reappear? The feeling of vindication is far better than that of longing. 
syntax
by Maureen N. McLaneand if
I were to sayI love you and
I do love youand I say it
now and againand again
would you sayparataxis
would you seethe world revolves
anewits axis
you
I’m through with the wallowing-in-depression, self-pitying, self-loathing part…
Kung na-realize mong ginamit ka lang pala:
GUMANTI KA, LILITH.
Make sure he suffers a hundred folds. Wag kang papayag na ikaw ang lubos na nasaktan at na-dehado. Wag kang papa-lamang. Wag kang papayag na ginawa nya sayo yun. If he’s heartless for what he did, then, Lilith, you should become a soulless, merciless monster.
Remember: Nothing’s scarier than a vindictive woman with NOTHING to lose.
I haven’t completely recovered yet from a worthless pain an equally worthless (and heartless) man has inflicted on me, but I am already facing two new problems. MAJOR ONES.
My strange co-worker came in the office this morning, sheer terror in his eyes.
Ryan: May saksakan ba dito??
Cess: Huh? Saksakan?
Ryan: Saksakan ng gwapo…meron, AKO.
Ahahahahahahaha!
Her eyes are grey.
Her hair is straggly and wet.
Her fingers are stubby.
The nails are chewed and broken.
Her teeth are crooked, jagged things.
Her sigil is the hooked ring.
One day her hook will catch your heart.
Ryan (my co-worker) may not know it, but he’s actually giving me my “drugs” in order to recover: music (The XX, The Smiths, Her Space Holiday, Joy Division, etc), movie (Control), and now, reading material.
In a few minutes, my weekend will come to an end, and, I must say, I loved every moment. I only stayed in the house (missed Mammoth, though), but no time was wasted. No time was spent wallowing in depression.
Now I’m in love! In love with Ian Curtis (watched his biopic, ‘Control’), in love with writing (a sci-fi love story…weird, eh?), in love with the music of The Xx, in love, love, love again. With life.ü
“Heart skipped a beat. When I caught it you were out of reach…sometimes, I still need you.” – The Xx, ‘Heart Skipped a Beat’
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Oooooh! I’m so excited with what’s coming my way. I’m looking forward to my new life. Lady Phoenix is about to rise from her ashes. Watch this space…I’m about to fly towards new adventures. ^_^
Oooh, and follow my Happy Perdition on Tumblr! ^_^
Rock and alternative music raised me. They are practically my parents. Mom and Dad were never away, but I listened to the advise of rock gods and demi-gods more. Their words seem more enticing than the Catholic-educated counsel my real parents gave me.
Must be yesterday’s sunshine, but I think I’m almost back on track… I’m back to my normal, sunshine-y self. I don’t ache for ANYONE anymore.ü
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Things that I’m thankful for in these weeks of solitude and depression.
1. Sylvia Plath’s journal entries (I read and re-read this every time I’m in this state)
2. MY journal entries (I started a new one)
I had the honor of drinking (a couple of times) with one of the Pinoy actors here.
I’m gonna watch this. I love you Gael.
In a Beautiful Country…a poem by Kevin Prufer
A good way to fall in love
is to turn off the headlights
and drive very fast down dark roads.
Saw this post over Tumblr. Two exes are playing here. W-E-I-R-D.
guess which bands?
I miss EVERYTHING. And I can’t move forward. I’ve lost all hope. I’ve just lost my will to live.
