Torment

I’ve been single, alone, but I never felt THIS lonely.

I know what I can have and what I can never have. I’ve made peace with it.

I try not to ask too much. I try not to desire too much. Because in asking, there will be disappointment. Because in desire, there will always be despair. I should only expect what I can only have.

I have chosen to be in this situation. I know that this will be riddled with pain and longing. Yet, I love too much that I’d rather suffer endless heartaches than to not have THIS at all. I can’t imagine how it would be for me if I never get to experience this at all.

I shouldn’t write about this here. I don’t want to burden you. I don’t want to worry you.  Rest assured, dear, that I won’t despair the next time. I know, from experience, that the human heart is programmable. Everything is just a state of mind. In just a few clicks and switches, I would feel nothing. No pain.

After all, I am THE solipsist.

…if I choose to blink, they die.

(Soliloquy of the Solipsist, Sylvia Plath)

What is it with Wednesdays? I’ve cried two Wednesdays in a row already.