I moved…

I moved because I was moved. Whatever. >_< Go to: HAPPY PERDITION. See you there!

Please, please, please

I know I did wrong. I know I chose the wrong man. I know I let him dupe me. I know I’ve been stupid. But please, please, please God, let me extricate myself from this deceitful man painlessly. PAINLESSLY. I’m tired of hurting. Tired, tired, tired of it.

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Trying to remain positive

…when everything else around me pushes me to just break down and give up. It’s a challenge. A mighty one. Hopefully, with my new living situation next week, work will be much easier. I keep telling everybody that I’m sticking to this low-paying job “for the love.” Well, it’s true. But like in any love relationships, I have to keep this fire burning. Again, it’s tough because of the BIG challenges that go with it.

Ah, ganito na lang…ipapasa-Diyos ko na lang ‘to. Kayo na lang po bahala Papa God. Lahat po ng gagawin kong trabaho para sa glory mo. I’ll try not to fail you.

He came to save the day

My day was pretty toxic…and there even times when I felt like I was thrown under the bus. Good thing Ryan’s not in Vietnam yet. Earlier this evening, he dropped by (not just for me, though. he just dropped by) and brought Christmas candy goodies and that light he always had with him when he’s in a good mood. Made me feel much better.

Farewell, black balloon

This morning, I woke up with the same overcast mood that mostly has to do with Ryan leaving the office in such short notice. Instinctively, I reached for my phone, and wrote a Facebook status via mobile web: “Ganun ba talaga ‘yun? Pag masyado kang nage-enjoy, kukunin na lang sayo yun sayo ni God. Ito talaga si God may pagka-kill-joy minsan. Good morning, Gloomy Sunday.”

Goodbye, Ryan. ;’(

Farewell, kindred soul. I’m gonna spend my next few weeks (or months?) crying.

 

 

 

 

 

Where the Wild Things Are

Rawr!

Despite the tiring event last week, Ryan, Cess and I got to try out the bouncy inflatable bed(?) we set up at Market! Market! It was a whole lotta fun! ^_^

?

Someone gave an almost perfect description of me…

Her humor runs deep. It’s never shallow or superficial because it stems  from the sensitive observation of human behavior…In her darkest moods, she disappears into reproachful silence…Sometimes she can retaliate with such fierceness, but she’ll do it secretly. She’ll calculate her actions and the consequences with such precision…she has enormously expressive features, a thousand moods play fleetingly across her face in the course of a conversation…she has such control of imagery, and her moods are so intense she can make you feel them too…Her imagination seizes joy and despair, horror and compassion, sorrow and ecstacy, and holds each emotion fast with a retentive memory.

Addiction…makes you wanna kill yourself sometimes.

Oh, well…
If you guys know any rooms for rent near Makati or Boni, just lemme know. My baby sis and I had been goin around the city these past few days, but we can’t seem to find spaces that are nice, comfortable and cheap…or I can always hook up with a rich boyfriend. Naah. What the frak am I saying??

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Childhood is an attitude

The week was tiring…and there’s gonna be more of these in my new job. I’m scared…and excited.

In the previous week, though, I learned that I’m starting to love some of the people I work with (but not in a weird way…that would feel like incest). We have such great synergy, we share the same humor, energy, passion, even music. I may be older than most of them, but I guess that’s the perk of being a kid deep inside, I get to enjoy things people my age would be mortified/embarrassed doing. It’s these little things (these long hours of crazy talks, the sudden impulse to do random foolishness) that helped me get through the insanity of my personal life.

All set for resurrection

November will be the month of your rebirth, Lilith. You have until October 31, 2009, your personal deadline: after that you will no longer grieve, wallow in depression and self-pity, or be dejected. You will start going out, you will come out of your cave (like Lazarus…or Batman!), celebrate, rediscover yourself, meet new people, reconnect, enjoy your youth and beauty, and believe in your own power.

 

But today, you cry.

There is a light that never goes out

Here is something to brighten up my overcast Monday.

Oooooooh! ♥

By January, I’m gonna have my own (unattached) Johnny Depp. He’s gonna be my perfect match. He’s gonna be incapable of hurting me.  I’m POSITIVE. God is gonna be good to me this time…or rather: I AM gonna be good to me this time. ^_^ ♥

Epic fail!

When will you ever learn, Lilith? This thing has done enough to your pride… and what you did earlier just gave him another opportunity to step on your ego. When will you listen to your ex-girlfriend: NEVER give people the benefit of the doubt…especially those with bad track records. Sometimes, situations are just as what they appear to be. No hidden explanations, no redeeming stories, nothing. Stop that notion that there’s good in everyone.

That was a low blow for you, low blow. How STUPID can you get?

Just stick to your goals, goddammit!

Goals

I think the reason why my life is usually a mess is because I never really set any plans, any goals, anything that I might wanna accomplish in the future. I always live for the moment. But I don’t think it’s that late, though. Now I’m writing down things that I plan to accomplish in the future. My goals…my dreams…all that crap normal, organized people have. Well, I wouldn’t call goals and dreams crap though…

Health

I’m gonna give up smoking…and drinking…and drugging. I’m gonna live a healthier life. And not ’cause of some self-preservation new-age shit. I don’t care about my health. Fuck it. I’m always all about living my life, without thinking of the consequences. Live, love, drink, smoke, kiss, fuck. If I could fly, I’d do it. Fuck the consequences, fuck it, fuck it.

Reinforcement

Earlier, I’ve had one of my rantings as my facebook status. Someone from high school started asking me about it and how I’ve been doing. I didn’t tell her EVERYTHING, though. She gave me words of encouragement, things that would make me feel better. I do feel better. This is the sweetest part of our conversation, though:

The angsty, high-school Lilith always thought that EVERYONE in class found her strange. She even thought everyone disliked her strangeness…and now it feels good knowing that not everyone thought of me that way. ^_^

Lilith has multiple personality disorder

…and the “personality” appearing before you now is the one pathetically in love. And hurting. And needing. And missing you. Oh, when will the mad one, the vindictive one reappear? The feeling of vindication is far better than that of longing.

syntax
by Maureen N. McLane

and if
I were to say

I love you and
I do love you

and I say it
now and again

and again
would you say

parataxis
would you see

the world revolves
anew

its axis
you

Phoenix

I’m through with the wallowing-in-depression, self-pitying, self-loathing part…

Kung na-realize mong ginamit ka lang pala:

GUMANTI KA, LILITH.

Make sure he suffers a hundred folds. Wag kang papayag na ikaw ang lubos na nasaktan at na-dehado. Wag kang papa-lamang. Wag kang papayag na ginawa nya sayo yun. If he’s heartless for what he did, then, Lilith, you should become a soulless, merciless monster.

Remember: Nothing’s scarier than a vindictive woman with NOTHING to lose.

A prayer

I haven’t completely recovered yet from a worthless pain an equally worthless (and heartless) man has inflicted on me,  but I am already facing two new problems. MAJOR ONES.

Saksakan!

My strange co-worker came in the office this morning, sheer terror in his eyes.

Ryan: May saksakan ba dito??

Cess: Huh? Saksakan?

Ryan: Saksakan ng gwapo…meron, AKO.

Ahahahahahahaha!

15 Portraits of Despair (Sandman)

Her eyes are grey.

Her hair is straggly and wet.

Her fingers are stubby.

The nails are chewed and broken.

Her teeth are crooked, jagged things.

Her sigil is the hooked ring.

One day her hook will catch your heart.

Another thing to look forward to…

Ryan (my co-worker) may not know it, but he’s actually giving me my “drugs” in order to recover: music (The XX, The Smiths, Her Space Holiday, Joy Division, etc), movie (Control), and now, reading material.

In love üüü

In a few minutes, my weekend will come to an end, and, I must say, I loved every moment. I only stayed in the house (missed Mammoth, though), but no time was wasted. No time was spent wallowing in depression.

Now I’m in love! In love with Ian Curtis (watched his biopic, ‘Control’), in love with writing (a sci-fi love story…weird, eh?), in love with the music of The Xx, in love, love, love again. With life.ü

“Heart skipped a beat. When I caught it you were out of reach…sometimes, I still need you.” – The Xx, ‘Heart Skipped a Beat’

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Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Oooooh! I’m so excited with what’s coming my way. I’m looking forward to my new life. Lady Phoenix is about to rise from her ashes. Watch this space…I’m about to fly towards new adventures. ^_^

Oooh, and follow my Happy Perdition on Tumblr! ^_^

My rockstar “parents”

Rock and alternative music raised me. They are practically my parents. Mom and Dad were never away, but I listened to the advise of rock gods and demi-gods more. Their words seem more enticing than the Catholic-educated counsel my real parents gave me.

Wow!

Must be yesterday’s sunshine, but I think I’m almost back on track… I’m back to my normal, sunshine-y self. I don’t ache for ANYONE anymore.ü
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Road to recovery

Things that I’m thankful for in these weeks of solitude and depression.

1. Sylvia Plath’s journal entries (I read and re-read this every time I’m in this state)

2. MY journal entries (I started a new one)